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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28950453">Drowning</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/prinsessa_mouse/pseuds/prinsessa_mouse'>prinsessa_mouse</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Living in Uggr [11]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Metalocalypse (Cartoon)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anxiety, Awkward Tension, Developing Friendships, Domestic Violence, Emotional Baggage, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Leaving Home, M/M, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Relationships, Separations, deddy bear</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 05:13:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,107</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28950453</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/prinsessa_mouse/pseuds/prinsessa_mouse</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Skwisgaar's life is spiraling out of control when he decides to finally leave Magnus. The first 72 hours are emotionally distressing after he returns home to the apartment.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Magnus Hammersmith/Skwisgaar Skwigelf, Nathan Explosion/Pickles the Drummer, Platonic Skwisgaar Skwigelf/Toki Wartooth</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Living in Uggr [11]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2021879</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Responsibility</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Skwisgaar never appreciated when people assumed he was responsible enough to take care of other adults.</p><p>The expectation started in childhood when his mom came home drunk after cruising the bars. He held back her hair on the hungover days, cleaned up the blood when men or boyfriends mistreated her. She exhausted him with the constant fear she might not come home. He had nightmares she might die and with his grandfather being so old, he’d be orphaned. Those irrational fears caused him a great deal of anxiety as a child.</p><p>In his teenaged years he moved in with his grandfather for two years to take care of him when his health declined. The biggest heartbreak was accepting he couldn’t take care of him and he needed to go into long term care. Skwisgaar returned to school depressed with guilt eating away at his soul that he couldn’t take care of his grandfather. The hardest part about moving away from Sweden was leaving him behind.</p><p>Magnus thrust responsibility upon him in many ways from taking on a caregiver role that enabled his drug addiction to managing the household. He made excuses for his husband’s drinking problem which replaced the heroin he managed to stay off of for a month. He started to dabble in other drugs instead because they came into more money. The house fell into disrepair due to all the fights that made Skwisgaar run to Pickles and Nathan’s place to hide out.</p><p>He feared his husband’s manic episodes especially after he dumbly suggested therapy. That resulted in the blonde managing to land a single good punch to Magnus’ stomach to get away from him. Unfortunately, the older man tackled him down onto the hardwood floor and he dragged out the torment. His own sick game of ‘Say Uncle’ until Skwisgaar managed to submit to the torment. The man he loved didn’t reside in that body when he tried other drugs. He didn’t understand why the blonde slept in the guest bedroom with the door locked or why he flinched over any movement. Even breathing wrong around high Magnus could result in a cruel little pinch or flick. He couldn’t trust his husband in any form, they were all starting to blend into one giant manic monster.</p><p>Skwisgaar retreated into himself, he played rhythm guitar and didn’t try to change anything Magnus wrote for his guitar parts. His body ached so much; he knew playing his guitar as intended saved him from constant pain. He rejected the painkillers Pickles offered him on the nights he stayed over after a band practice. He slowly started moving his stuff over to the apartment when he spent the night. He allowed Pickles to see the bruises, he sat in the bathtub sobbing about how much pain he was in and that he could no longer take it. His irrational fears gave him nightmares, he dreamed that the next fight would kill him. Magnus killed him in many ways in his dreams resulting in sleepless nights. He became too tired to function, he left his job at the video store because he couldn’t handle four hours standing, bending, and moving that much. He stayed in bed for hours staring at the walls as he came undone. He couldn’t exist without being hit or screamed at. When Magnus did show him compassion and his love, his denial got the better of him as he accepted the apology and believed a few days of happiness would fix everything.</p><p>As horrible as it sounded, he thanked Odin for letting Magnus snap. His husband made the fatal mistake of going after Pickles and Nathan finally grew tired of the tyranny in Dethklok. Skwisgaar flinched, shrinking back when he heard the confrontation between his husband and the lead singer. He would never forget the phrase that caused the attack –<em>You’re acting</em> <em>crazy</em>. That phrase flipped a switch within Magnus, who pulled his knife and stabbed Nathan in the shoulder. The whole incident happened so fast that it took both Skwisgaar and Pickles a few days to process what truly happened. Both sat in the hospital waiting room while they waited for their partners to be released from the emergency room. Neither of them said a word, what could Skwisgaar say? Sorry my husband yelled at you and stabbed your boyfriend? He felt the anger radiating off the redhead, he could tell his presence annoyed his friend. Charles thankfully showed up and got them talking.</p><p>Skwisgaar thought with Magnus kicked out of the band that freed him of his ties, he could finally ask for the divorce to be served. He didn’t expect the apartment to get trashed along with his Snowhorse Explorer. He demanded his husband pay for a new one. Declaring revenge on the band after he stabbed Nathan didn’t give him the right to ruin their gear. As petty revenge he cut his husband’s painkiller dosage back so he could experience suffering. If he was expected to take care of Magnus, he planned to let him live in pain like he did everyday from bruises he obtained two years ago. He stayed with Pickles and Nathan, slowly moving more of his stuff over to their place and returned home to check on his husband until he was able to take care of himself.</p><p>Band rehearsal and recording resumed.</p><p>Charles pushed for a decision to be made about auditioning rhythm guitarists. Skwisgaar pushed back hard, he fought with great passion to make his stance known they could survive without a rhythm guitarist. The band left it up to him and suggested running the auditions either way in case someone did interest him. In a rented-out warehouse they now called their practice space, Skwisgaar annihilate any person willing to challenge him. Every ounce of suffering he felt throughout his life transferred into his playing, he might not be able to raise his fists to beat someone, but he could beat them in a guitar duel.</p><p>Pickles noticed that Skwisgaar spiraled out of control, music seemed to be the only way he could communicate as he coped with everything falling apart in his life. Beating down each guitarist who challenged him built up his confidence for a few minutes only for him to retreat into his self-loathing.</p><p>That was until Toki showed up late for his audition, he changed the trajectory of Skwisgaar’s emotional spiral. The Norwegian forged a bond, they became one as they played off each other and even when he fumbled near the end, the Swede chose him. They completed one another, he enjoyed the challenge attached to someone who could hear music the way he did, he let go of everything weighing him down and because of that he became a better guitarist. Skwisgaar considered their guitar duel to be the purest musical moment in his twenty- two year old life.</p><p>He never had a deeper connection with someone. They communicated through music, sang of their hardships without telling each other about their pasts, and Toki made Skwisgaar smile. He couldn’t recall the last time he smiled or laughed. The happiness the Norwegian brought to the blonde’s life caused him momentary bouts of nausea induced guilt. Magnus once gave him that type of joy when he was a naïve teenager and didn’t know better.</p><p>Skwisgaar worried all the time he might become Toki’s Magnus. He came off despondent a lot when his self-doubt and stress shrouded him in a blanket of depression. He chastised himself. He mostly laid next to Toki silently crying himself to sleep. When the brunette wrapped his arms around Skwisgaar’s overly thin body he willed himself to stay still and not let him know how emotionally exhausted he got when he dwelled.</p><p>Although Toki became his responsibility, he easily accepted that. The feeling of being wanted and respected replaced years of longing for attention. Someone that offered to pray for him to feel better on the gray days raised his spirits even if he wasn’t religious. Toki practiced guitar quietly when Skwisgaar sunk into his depressive spells, he stayed close and seemed to know when to talk to him. They talked in their languages. Toki tucked Deddy Bear in beside the Swede at one point and asked if ice cream would fix his sadness (because Pickles said that always worked for him).</p><p>Just when Skwisgaar started to feel whole again…Magnus called pleading for his help.</p><p>He ran home when his husband started complaining about the pain in his eye and head. He couldn’t ignore his cries for help especially when Magnus started explaining that his vision got worse in his left eye. Skwisgaar rejected to leave his husband reeling with the news that he was now partially blind. He stayed for two weeks; he took over his caretaker role. He met up with the guys for band practice and recording. Toki didn’t understand, he begged Skwisgaar to come back to the apartment, he missed him. The blonde pulled him into a hug and promised he’d be home soon.</p><p>Those two weeks seemed like an eternity. Time came to a halt; everything went into slow motion as Skwisgaar tried to get everything balanced out for his husband and the next stage of his life. He suffocated in responsibilities between the two homes. He walked on eggshells most days until the venomous rages started up. He knew he could leave but never made the effort in fear of leaving Magnus during his depression over losing his sight and his band. When the weight of everything started to crush him, he finally left with the last of his possessions.</p><p>Skwisgaar returned to the apartment, slipping through the front door, and tiptoeing into his bedroom. He didn’t want to wake William who was asleep on the couch or alert Pickles and Nathan sitting in the kitchen eating ice cream he finally came home.</p><p>The bedroom was tidy, the laundry done and placed in their respective baskets. Toki snuggled his Deddy Bear to his chest while he slept in their shared bed. He must have fell asleep waiting for him to get home, the bedside lamp was still on casting a warm dim glow around their bedroom.</p><p>He put his backpack in the bottom of the closet and searched for his ratty Snakes N Barrels tank top he loved to sleep in. He found it sitting on top of his pile of folded clothes in his basket. Toki obviously did the laundry while he was away. He owed the little guy for being such a decent person to him. He carefully lifted his t-shirt over his head, wincing in the process. He bit his lip hard to keep himself from make a sound as he changed into his tank top and shuffled out of his jeans. Pain shot up his side as he stood by the bed waiting for it to subside. Breathing or any type of movements caused him discomfort. He moved slowly towards the bed where Toki slept peacefully. He envied him being young and innocent. The blonde took a moment to admire his bedmate who reminded him of an angel.</p><p>“Toki moves over a bits,” Skwisgaar said pulling back the sheets.</p><p>Toki mumbled back a tired response as he rolled towards the wall.</p><p>Skwisgaar climbed into bed, struggling to move to get himself in a position that didn’t cause his body to ache. He hissed when the pain in his hips and ribs started to throb. He rolled onto his back which made everything worse. The pain radiated through his torso like an inferno.</p><p>“What ams wrong?” asked the sleepy voice.</p><p>“Nothings, goes back to sleep.”</p><p>Toki rolled over, prying his blue eyes open to catch a glimpse of Skwisgaar wincing. “Lets me see,” he said pulling back the bedsheets.</p><p>“Ams fine. Just a spasms it’ll pass,” Skwisgaar murmured. His breathe caught in his throat, he couldn’t get enough air into his lungs without the agonizing draw of inhaling and exhaling.</p><p>“I will gets Pickle,” Toki threatened. He wouldn’t really go get Pickles, he just wanted to help. When he saw the bruises all over Skwisgaar’s body the first time his heart broke for him. It became another thing they could bond over aside from guitar and Scandinavia.</p><p>The blonde groaned out his displeasure. Involving Pickles meant Nathan, William, and Charles would start pressing him for answers. He relived the pain every time he breathed, retelling the guys only exhausted him. He hated when they fussed. They treated him like he was fragile when they got a look at his bruises. It became shameful to show Pickles and Nathan, he allowed the abuse to happen instead of leaving. His anxiety nagged him for being stupid and believing things might change.</p><p>“Skwisgaar, please?”</p><p>Slowly shaking his head, Skwisgaar agreed.</p><p>Toki set Deddy Bear aside and readied himself. He pushed back the bedsheets; his fingers lightly hovered over the seam of his friend’s tank top. The dim light hid nothing once he rolled up the fabric to see the dark bruising that set in over Skwisgaar’s right side. From his ribs to his hip a rainbow of colors painted his skin. He hinted for the older man to shift onto his side so he could look how far the bruises crawled up his friend’s back. “Jeg beklager at dette skjedde med deg,” he said sympathetically.</p><p>“Det är inte ditt fel,” Skwisgaar whimpered. The longer Toki looked at him, the more self-conscious he got. Toki was empathetic as he touched his body with care. It caused Skwisgaar’s anxiety to pique, where were the questions? He felt vulnerable laying there with his newest injuries on display. He heard Toki sniffle when he ghosted his fingertips over the bruises that crept around his side onto his back. The hand touching Skwisgaar never once made full contact which he appreciated.</p><p>“You needs ice. You ams all swollen.”</p><p>Skwisgaar struggled to take in a deep breath. Facing away from Toki to stare at the wall made it easier for him to talk. “I am ins a lot of pain,” he admitted breathlessly.</p><p>“Toki can helps. I can gets you ice and somethings for the pain.”</p><p>“Don’ts tell Pickle or Nathans yet, okay?”</p><p>The Norwegian agreed to not mention anything to the others when he snuck out of the room to get some ice. Pickles and Nathan were luckily high, watching cartoons on the mini-TV in the kitchen while they ate ice cream. His suspicious actions went unnoticed when he took one of the bigger icepacks out of the freezer. He went into the bathroom to find some Advil or Tylenol to subside the pain. He dug through the hall closet for a towel to wrap the icepack in too.</p><p>Skwisgaar hadn’t moved, he stared at the wall trying to make sure he took deep breaths. He managed a weak smile when Toki returned to the bedroom and closed the door.</p><p>“Takes this,” Toki insisted dropping the two tabs of Advil into his friend’s hand. He picked up the glass of water on the bedside table holding it out.</p><p>The blonde obeyed Toki’s request by taking the pills.</p><p>Toki didn’t rush him. Skwisgaar was always patient with him on the nights he suffered from nightmares. He owed his bandmate the same compassion. “Cans I get you anything else?” he asked taking the empty glass back.</p><p>Skwisgaar dismissed the question as shame overtook him. Toki didn’t deserve this responsibility being forced upon him because they shared a bedroom.</p><p>“Yous ready?” Toki asked. He crawled onto the bed carefully to not touch or jostle Skwisgaar in any way.</p><p>“I am sorries that you haves to do this.”</p><p>Toki got seated and wrapped the ice pack in the towel. “I wants to help. I knows what its likes to be hurt. Wish I hads someone to take cares of me,” the younger man trailed off. He placed the ice down on Skwisgaar’s bruised side. He made sure the icepack spread out evenly to reach his ribs and hip.</p><p>Skwisgaar groaned. The ice helped only for a bit, the weight on his side hurt though.</p><p>“Please don’t goes back to him,” Toki pleaded. He snuggled up behind Skwisgaar, wrapping his arms loosely around his waist.</p><p>The blonde closed his blue eyes to block out the room. He focused on Toki, the way he breathed, his voice and the ease the brunette brought him when they slept together. He heard the distress in his friend’s voice, the sound of a child asking for him to make the right decision. Him as a child begging his mom to stay home instead of going out. “I won’ts I promise,” he muttered. He didn’t trust his promises, he would cave and go back to Magnus. All he needed to hear was desperation to lure him back in. Skwisgaar’s God complex hardly existed in these moments. He wrapped his arms around the strong arms hugging his tiny body. He let his guard down, his calm morphed into full fledged sobs. His body shook in the arms of the eighteen-year-old holding him. He should be the one holding onto Toki after a night full of nightmares. He burdened the younger boy with his issues. The band expected him to be responsible for the other boy’s wellbeing. It wasn’t Toki’s job to piece him back together and yet he felt safe for the first time in four years.</p><p>Toki nuzzled his face into the sea of blonde hair in his face. It smelled sweet and tangy. He rather liked the smell of his bedmates hair and missed it when he went away. He felt the cool metal of the wedding ring on his forearm. In God’s eyes he sinned laying with another man’s spouse. The older man put a lot of trust in him to breakdown without judgement. Toki would sin even commit his soul for Skwisgaar.</p><p>“Tells me somethings,” Skwisgaar choked out. The Norwegian’s ramblings put him at ease. The kid was a child experiencing the world for the first time. Skwisgaar hardly minded walking through the toy aisles of the local Target or the comic bookstore with him. Pickles bought him Lego and miniature models which started to take over all the available counter spaces of their bedroom. The busy work gave the blonde a break from teaching Toki scales and finger exercises. He admired every project. He sometimes grabbed a crayon to draw little doodles for the kid. The thing he enjoyed most was Toki telling him stories. He had a vivid imagination and a love for mythology. Even though Skwisgaar knew all the tales of Norse mythology, he relaxed when the other guy spoke to him.</p><p>“Pickle gots me a new model! It ams a spaceship.”</p><p>Skwisgaar managed to get his breathing under control, drastic inhales caused his ribs to ache and he knew the importance of taking deep breaths while his ribs healed. Toki’s happiness over the new model raised his spirits. “What types is it?” he asked curiously.</p><p>“Its a moon lander,” the brunette gushed. He noticed Skwisgaar’s breathing evening out. His tense body slowly going slack in his grip. “Likes the one in the first moons landing.”</p><p>“When you going to starts it?”</p><p>Toki didn’t know. He still needed to finish a model airplane. Pickles and Nathan tended to spoil him with gifts. He mustered up an answer for Skwisgaar’s sake, “Maybe you cans help Toki?”</p><p>“Ja,” Skwisgaar sniffled. “I’d likes that.”</p><p>“Cans we practice the songs tomorrow?”</p><p>The suggestion put Skwisgaar at further ease. Music would always be a safe space, a conversation where he could pour his heart out to Toki and hide behind his instrument. “You has me all days,” he said giving Toki’s arm a squeeze.</p><p>“You shoulds be sittings uprights,” the Norwegian added. He didn’t want to move, holding Skwisgaar felt right but when he struggled to breathe, he knew it was greedy to keep the Swede in that position.</p><p>Skwisgaar knew that to be true however moving meant losing the contact with the warm body behind him that made the ice on his side tolerable. “Don’ts you worry, Tokis. I am goings to be fine. Just keeps talking to me, ja?”</p><p>“What shoulds I talk abouts?”</p><p>“Whatevers you want. I likes listening to your voice.”</p><p>Toki struggled to find a topic right away. The compliment gave him a bit of an ego that his voice soothed Skwisgaar in his time of need. It wasn’t something to lord over him with only the appreciation that he could satisfy the blonde. “I likes animals. Would really likes a kitty or bunnies,” he rambled.</p><p>“When I feels better in a few days I’ll takes you to the pettings zoo.”</p><p>“Oh wowee!! You means it?”</p><p>Skwisgaar squeezed Toki’s arms again affectionately. “Ja, Toki you reallies helped me. I apprekiates that and thanks you for not asking me to explains how it happened,” he mumbled tiredly.</p><p>“You cans trust Toki.”</p><p>“I do trusts you.”</p><p>Little did Skwisgaar know that statement meant the world to Toki.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p><b>Norwegian/Swedish Translation:<br/></b><br/>Jeg beklager at dette skjedde med deg - I'm sorry this happened to you<br/>Det är inte ditt fel - It's not your fault</p><p>I decided to combine three short stories into one giant post because I want to condense this a bit so it only made sense to do it this way especially with how I am going to do the next part! Get ready for all Skwistok action coming your way!! This one hit home with knowing what leaving feels like in this type of situation. I tried to let Skwisgaar feel that liberation but also that nagging feeling that you can't just erase a person that fast from your life. It's going to be quite an awkward three chapters are Skwisgaar grapples with everything happening in his life!<br/>Happy reading &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Bruises</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Skwisgaar awake the next morning to a godawful ache in his side. He should’ve heeded Toki’s advice to sleep upright. He took a few agonizing deep breathes and looked over at his bedmate who rolled away from him sometime in the night to resume his cuddle with Deddy. He watched the youngest band member for a bit, he tucked a stray piece of brown hair behind Toki’s ear to get it off his face. He couldn’t explain the overwhelming emotions he got looking at the Norwegian. He chalked it up to a platonic brotherly love because he was vulnerable the night before. He appreciated the tender treatment and planned to keep his promise to take Toki to the petting zoo for being such a good friend. He leaned over the best he could to press a soft kiss to the Norwegian’s temple. He snuck out of the bedroom afterwards.</p><p>He longed for a hot shower and a big cup of coffee. His mission was simple, sneak around the apartment without waking the rest of his bandmates. William was no longer asleep on the couch; he must have gone home.</p><p>The bathroom was a welcome sight of familiar clutter. Everything that made each man who they were from various types of shampoo to the colors of their toothbrushes sitting on the small shelf above the sink in a mug adorned the available spaces. Four color coded towels and face cloths hung haphazardly on the towel rack. Skwisgaar dropped his clean clothes onto the closed toilet lid and pulled his pajamas off. He avoided his reflection in the mirror on the back of the bathroom door. He busied himself with his morning routine. He brushed his teeth first then stood in the shower for twenty minutes with the hottest water he could tolerate raining down upon him. He spent ten minutes towel drying his hair and debating whether to let his hair wave naturally or braid it to keep it out of his way. He pulled his long hair back into a ponytail only to grow frustrated by it, he tied it up into a knot which had a similar effect. He considered taking the scissors and chopping his hair off if he couldn’t find a hairstyle he liked. His overly emotional response to stress brought him to the conclusion that braiding his hair would be fine for the day. Cutting his hair wasn’t the answer to his dilemma.</p><p>A lot of things weren’t the answer to his unhealthy coping mechanisms.</p><p>He spent to much time with his guitar in his hands. He hid behind his instrument. He used it to heal, he poured all his emotions into his music. He blocked the world around him out when he got deep into one of his practice sessions.</p><p>Pickles got after him about not eating enough when he sank into his depressive states. He loved to eat, he didn’t realize he lost weight because his stomach soured and the urge to eat didn’t bother him as much. When he started to stay with Pickles and Nathan his eating habits were pointed out. He appreciated all the food the redhead made for him to encourage him to eat. Toki didn’t help either, he seemed to be a bottomless pit that Skwisgaar had to compete against to get a slice of pizza.</p><p>There was the smoking that he knew he shouldn’t do with a rib injury. Skwisgaar tried to cut back until he got stressed out and smoked a whole pack in one sitting out on the balcony.</p><p>His other vice was coffee. When he finished getting ready, he headed into the kitchen to get himself a nice steaming cup of Duncan Hills coffee served black. After nearly scolding his tongue on the heavenly liquid, he stared into the void of the refrigerator while he studied the contents. He lucked out that Pickles baked muffins and banana bread. He filled a plate with baked goods and fresh fruit as he took a seat at the table to enjoy the peace.</p><p>There he got lost in his thoughts.</p><p>He worried about Magnus waking up alone to the letter he left on the kitchen table. He hauled his unconscious husband off the living room couch to tuck him into bed. He laid beside him and held Magnus as he pleaded in Swedish for things to change. Skwisgaar waited to make sure he didn’t overdose, he fussed with the mass of curly hair while he decided what he should do.</p><p>He made the decision to pack what he could into his backpack before he returned to the band household. He needed some space from his husband, and he missed Toki. He wrote a lengthy letter, one that poured out his love and dedication, his explanation why he left, and how he wanted to make their relationship work. He implored him to fight for their marriage by getting help. He promised his support if he chose to go to rehab. He tried not to beg to much, he didn’t mention their separation or that he had a divorce drafted. He was aware his letter became an open invitation for Magnus to keep taking advantage of his kindness. As much as he wanted to push his husband away, a nagging voice in the back of his head reminded him the reasons he did love him. It became a continual frustration grappling with his emotions.</p><p>Skwisgaar never bothered to address the lying and deceiving when it came to their marriage. He repressed it, pretended he didn’t know as his anger simmered to a boiling point. He started to resent his husband’s actions. That became his destructive spiral of depression. Repressing all his emotions caused a lot more meltdowns when he got time to be alone or he felt safe amongst friends. He didn’t call Charles a lot. He hated when he woke his lawyer up but that was how he got home last night. They talked about the band, any topics relating to his marriage never came up. Skwisgaar promised to call Charles to follow up today.</p><p>The dread over that meeting caused him to play with his food.</p><p>“Hey, when did you get back?” greeted a familiar voice.</p><p>Skwisgaar stopped picking apart the slice of banana bread to acknowledge Nathan’s presence with a pleasant smile. “Lasts night,” he said popping a piece of bread into his mouth.</p><p>“Good to have you back. Toki missed you being around.”</p><p>“Ja, I missed the littles goofball too.”</p><p>Nathan snickered, “He asked me every day if you were coming home when we didn’t have band practice.”</p><p>The color rose to Skwisgaar’s pale cheeks. He looked down at his plate and found great interest in the strawberries he chose for breakfast.</p><p>“How’s that banana bread? Pickles baked up a storm waiting for you to return,” Nathan added. As much fun as it would be to poke fun at the crush forming between the Scandinavians, he left it alone. Pickles warned him not to point it out, the two of them needed each other. It wasn’t out of character for him talk about food. Pickles stress cooked for a week because he rejected to ask Skwisgaar when he planned to come home. Nathan offered to ask on his behalf only to earn a narrow-eyed glare. They all expressed themselves differently – Toki kept asking about Skwisgaar, Pickles baked, Murderface picked at his nails with his knife, and Nathan ended up with writer’s block.</p><p>“Goods,” Skwisgaar mumbled.</p><p>Nathan poured himself a cup of coffee then leaned against the kitchen counter. He noticed his friend’s hair twisted into a beautiful braid and forgot about questioning the oversized black hoodie he wore. Whenever he returned to the apartment, he became modest about what abuse his friends saw. He tended to seek out Pickles when he came home, Nathan heard about the abuse second hand from his boyfriend. He decided to focus on something positive instead of asking about the last two weeks. “I like your hair,” Nathan commented.</p><p>“Thanks you. It am calls fishtail braid.”</p><p>“Well, um you look nice.”</p><p>Skwisgaar’s cheeks continued to burn from embarrassment. He didn’t know what to do with compliments about his appearance, he struggled with accepting them because he wasn’t used to that type of attention. People complimented his musical skills and guitar playing all the time. He got a bit cocky at times but Nathan pointing out his hair caused him a bit of distress too. He abandoned his food to tuck one of the stray strands of hair behind his ear.</p><p>Nathan sensed the awkwardness building between them. The interaction would be different if Pickles were there. He moved towards the table to take a seat when Skwisgaar flinched away from him. Nathan’s heart sank. He understood it was a reflex though it didn’t ebb the sadness that consumed him that his friend didn’t trust anyone.</p><p>“I’m sorries,” Skwisgaar mumbled. He straightened back up in his chair and ignored the pain shooting along his side due to his sudden movement.</p><p>“Don’t be. Are you okay with me sitting with you?”</p><p>Skwisgaar exhaled a shaky breath and nodded.</p><p>“Things got bad back home huh?” Nathan asked sipping at his coffee.</p><p>“Ja, I swears this ams the last times I go back to hims,” the blonde stated. “I will calls Charles today and sorts out the next step.”</p><p>Nathan continued to drink his coffee while Skwisgaar warmed up to him again. They chatted casually about the band and more guitar lessons for Toki. The blonde agreed to keep teaching the newest member his guitar parts. Skwisgaar put great emphasis on the fact that he didn’t mind being responsible for Toki. The conversation stayed focused on the Norwegian and recording. The conversation shifted when Toki came into the kitchen for breakfast.</p><p>“You wants me to make you pancakes?” Skwisgaar offered as he watched Toki looking through the cabinets. He abandoned his breakfast to dote upon his friend. He didn’t mind, it seemed like a blessing in disguise to avoid the conversation with Nathan that was surely leading back to Magnus.</p><p>Toki jumped up and down excitedly. “Wowee, you sures? You don’t haves to makes me breakfast,” he squealed.</p><p>“I don’ts mind. Chocolate chips or blues berry?”</p><p>Nathan frowned. He witnessed Skwisgaar deflecting by hiding behind Toki’s needs. While it seemed to make him happy, he chose to neglect himself again. He spoke softly in Swedish as he gave the youngest band member directions while they cooked. They talked back and forth in their languages. Nathan excused himself from the kitchen to find Pickles.</p><p>The calm before the emotional shit storm loomed over the apartment.</p><p>Pickles intervened an hour later with a project to get Toki away from Skwisgaar.</p><p>“Toki, Nate needs someone to help with grocery shopping,” he hollered. He handed the younger man a twenty-dollar bill with the goal to find something nice for Skwisgaar to welcome him back to the apartment.</p><p>“I can handle it,” Nathan grumbled.</p><p>The redhead shrugged him off, “I’ll make it up to yeh. Skwisgaar ain’t gonna talk to me with Toki around.”</p><p>“How long do you need?”</p><p>“Two hours? Gotta call Charlie,” Pickles said. He pulled his wallet out again to fish out some more cash. “Take him for ice cream or something.”</p><p>Nathan herded the bubbly Norwegian out of the apartment leaving Skwisgaar sitting in his room playing guitar.</p><p>Pickles leaned against the doorframe to watch his friend playing through The Hammer. “That song brings back a lot of memories,” he remarked.</p><p>Skwisgaar sighed, “I guess it is times for us to talks,”</p><p>“We don’t gotta but I know somethin’ is wrong. Yeh snuck into the apartment last night and I saw Toki takin' an ice pack outta the freezer.”</p><p>Skwisgaar stopped playing to put his guitar on the stand next the amp he was seated on. “I lefts him a letter with a final ultimatums. Goings to asks Charles to goes over the Petitions for Divorce and haves Magnus served,” he said sadly. He rolled his guitar pick between his thumb and index finger, the tiny pinch on the tender spots of his calloused fingers reminded him how much he loved playing guitar.</p><p>“How are yeh doin’ other than makin' such a huge life decision?” Pickles asked next. He knew he could push quite a bit more before Skwisgaar rejected to talk to him.</p><p>“Magnus kicks me around a bit but I will bes fine. Beens taking the deeps breaths like I needs too, and Toki helped me withs the swellings last night,” the blonde replied.</p><p>Pickles’ eyes itched. Skwisgaar didn’t seemed phased about the abuse. He got more upset over the ultimatum and divorce. He emotionally ached seeing his friend struggle to get his life back on track. His mission started out the same as always to assess the damage, be the supportive friend who tried to heal his bruises and mend his broken soul. “How bad is it this time?” he questioned.</p><p>“Bads. Nothing is brokens just bruised up.”</p><p>“Can I do anythin' for yeh? I got some painkillers that will take away the pain,” Pickles suggested. “I can call Charlie for yeh.”</p><p>Skwisgaar smiled weakly, “Ifs you could calls Charles for me I woulds apprekiates it.”</p><p>“Bring yeh those painkillers too.”</p><p>The painkillers made him a bit fuzzy. He both loved and hated the experience. Skwisgaar loved the way his body felt like the one he had before all the abuse started. He hated the groggy side effects of the pills, he dozed off easily on them. He ended up propped upright in bed after Pickles gave him the pills, he heard the static sounds of the TV in the living room and the hushed conversation between the redhead and Charles. He assumed he’d be a bit out of it when he practiced guitar with Toki. He rested his eyes while he waited for Charles to come talk to him.</p><p>Some time must have passed between Pickles and Charles’ conversation in the living room because Nathan and Toki returned to the apartment with the groceries. Skwisgaar teetered on the edge of sleep and awareness. He knew the bed dipped and a warm body pressed against his. His eyelids were too heavy to pry open to look down at Toki resting his head on his stomach.</p><p>“I gots you a present,” came a singsong voice.</p><p>Skwisgaar hummed tiredly, “You dids?”</p><p>“Ja, I gots you a stuffed wolf because you likes wolves,” Toki chatted away happily.</p><p>“Ah Toki not to interrupt your ah moment here. I need to speak with Skwisgaar privately,” Charles said. His monotone voice delivered a subtle command that got the overly affectionate Norwegian to leave the room. He didn’t miss the little scowl from the younger boy on his way out.</p><p>Skwisgaar managed to get his eyes open when he heard the familiar voice.</p><p>Charles took a seat on the edge of the bed. “I brought you some coffee to wake you up a bit so we can go over a few things,” he said handing over the cup of coffee once Skwisgaar look lucid enough.</p><p>“I wants to goes ahead withs filings for the divorce,” Skwisgaar said. The cup of coffee warmed his hands, a few sips woke him back up. He noticed the stuffed wolf on the bed which brightened his day.</p><p>“I took the liberty of going over the paperwork before I came over. Are you still wanting to do an equal split of assets?”</p><p>Skwisgaar took a big gulp of coffee as he considered what they owned. Aside from clothes, the house came furnished and the possessions were Magnus’. The things he valued most were moved into the apartment. The few things they bought as a couple were ridiculous things like linens and picture frames. Skwisgaar liked to save money, the few things he spent his earnings on were consumable products. Taking half of Magnus’ belongings felt wrong to him. “Nej, I don’ts want anythings of his. I have alls my stuff here. Whatever ams his he keeps,” he mumbled.</p><p>“Are there any conditions you want to set like communication is only done through lawyers or leaving him a settlement?” Charles asked next. He flipped through the file and made some more notes to prepare the final document.</p><p>That question took a bit longer to process. Skwisgaar thought about his options. He didn’t plan to cut ties or communication with Magnus. As for a settlement, he could see leaving money to fix the house and replace all the broken items. “Hows about I pays for the house repairs, furnitures, and any broken items. There has to be rules though so he can’ts spend it on drugs,” he recommended. Leaving his husband with an updated home should help soften the blow of him leaving. Taking away the reminders of the abuse might help with recovery if he sought out rehab.</p><p>“We can make a clause that all the repairs, furniture, and billed items will be reimbursed by you once he submits the receipts.”</p><p>“Ja, I likes that idea. I wants to pays him for the songs that I ams playings of his. He writes me lots of guitar solos. I don’t wants to takes credit for his works. Cans we does something likes that?” he questioned. He finished his coffee to find great comfort in playing with the stuffed wolf Toki bought him.</p><p>Charles scratched down a few notes then closed the file. “I will need you to submit to me a list later when he signs the papers. Now, I understand this time the abuse escalated and you’re dealing with a lot of pain. I would like you to tell me what happened. I recall you were rather upset last night when I picked you up,” he said sympathetically.</p><p>“I flushed his drugs and he gots pissed offs at me. He never kicked me befores, he kicked me a bit. Hits me a few times and I gots thrown down ons the hardwood. I am fines, I know nothings brokens just bruised up. I’ll be okays in a few days.”</p><p>“When do you want me to have these divorce papers served?” was the next question.</p><p>Skwisgaar snuggled the wolf to his chest protectively before answering, “I was thinkings maybe today or tomorrows?”</p><p>“I can have it completed today and served tomorrow.”</p><p>“Ja, can you does that for me please?”</p><p>Charles stood up, tucking his file under his arm. “Consider it done. Would you like me to ask Toki to come back in?” he asked walking towards the door.</p><p>“Ja,” Skwisgaar answered. He closed his eyes to give into the drowsiness again. The mattress dipped as Toki crawled back beside him to resume his cuddle. The blonde’s hand carded itself into the medium length brown hair. He played with the locks affectionately.</p><p>Toki melted. There was something euphoric about his hair being played with that he prayed Skwisgaar didn’t stop. “When yous rested can we plays some guitar?” he whispered.</p><p>“Of course, little Toki. Gives me a bit,” Skwisgaar sighed contently.</p><p>“We can stays likes this. I likes this.”</p><p>Skwisgaar chuckled, “Ja I likes this too.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Let the rollercoaster begin!<br/>This one went through a few different processes. I never seemed to find complete satisfaction with it but I feel I've settled my score with the writing demons that we like this, we can work with this. But hooray!!! Skwisgaar finally has those papers being sent out!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Choices</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“He’s out again,” Nathan said leaning over to whisper in Pickles’ ear.</p><p>The redhead looked up from his book briefly to catch a glimpse of Skwisgaar snuggled against Toki’s side with his knees pulled up to his chest. He dozed off sometime in the early afternoon when Pickles gave him another heavy dose of painkillers. “As much as he hates how tired he gets I know he feels better. He needs to sleep,” he reasoned.</p><p>“Don’t you think you’re parenting him a bit too much?”</p><p>“Dude, Charlie agreed with me that this would be okay. If Skwisgaar won’t see a doctor then we gotta do everythin’ we can to make him comfortable,” Pickles said returning to his novel.</p><p>On the couch, Toki held Skwisgaar to his side while they watched movies. He convinced the blonde to go rent movies with him. They returned with enough video cassettes to camp out on the couch for three days.</p><p>No one talked about the divorce papers being served yesterday. They chose to focus on the positives that were Skwisgaar adjusting back into his environment by socializing, eating, and becoming more trusting. He let Nathan hug him during a flinchy interaction in the kitchen. He allowed Pickles to lay beside him on the bed as they talked about the benefits of leaving a relationship. He spent a great deal of time with Toki playing guitar, cuddling, and doing whatever the younger man wanted to do. William came to visit too. They were all happy with the progress, they understood when to back off to give him space and respect his needs.</p><p>“He seems happy cuddling with Toki,” Nathan remarked.</p><p>Pickles didn’t look up from his book. “It’s good fer him to have someone love and care for him. He deserves that,” he replied.</p><p>The Great Muppet Caper made Toki oblivious that the oldest members of the band were talking about him. He rubbed Skwisgaar’s shoulder affectionately as he stared at the TV. He didn’t dare move even if he got bored with the movie. This was the third Muppets movie he watched; his attention span was short when there were better movies to watch. Skwisgaar rested his head on his shoulder, mumbled out in Swedish that he liked Kermit the Frog then dozed off. He trapped Toki for an hour in that position.</p><p>“Sick of the Muppets yet dude?” Pickles inquired. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Toki’s eyes staring at the coffee table where the stack of movies sat. The kid sat on the couch looking both content and irritated. Skwisgaar would forgive him for getting up, he was too out of it to be bothered by a disruption.</p><p>“I wants to watch horror.”</p><p>Nathan stopped writing in his notebook to look at the pile of movies. “Hm, some good movies here. How about Carrie? It’s creepy and pretty tame if you’re not used to horror movies,” he suggested.</p><p>“Nate, yeh just wanna to watch Carrie so I’ll stop readin’ an’ cuddle with yeh.”</p><p>Toki watched the loving interaction between Pickles and Nathan as the redhead closed his book, tossing it onto the coffee table. The notebook joined the copy of Cold Moon Over Babylon. Nathan tickled Pickles’ side first which morphed into a little wrestling match on the couch they were seated on. The raven-haired man easily pinned the redhead to give him a kiss on the nose. They were cute, somewhat weird when they acted all lovesick, but Toki thought they were a great couple. They bickered like any couple, they sat in separate rooms only to gravitate back towards each other within an hour. They apologized, talked in depth about the fight and made up.</p><p>Witnessing that type of relationship confused him when it came to Skwisgaar. Did he experience kisses and being tickled? Did his husband long to find a resolve after a fight? The question that bothered him most was how Skwisgaar’s husband could lay beside him every night after he hurt him and think he deserved that right. How did he look Skwisgaar in the eyes the next morning?</p><p>“Okey, fine I’ll cuddle with yeh big guy,” Pickles giggled. He got up to switch the VHS, ignoring the catcalls from Nathan about how his butt looked in his tight jeans. He set Great Caper aside for Skwisgaar to finish later and popped Carrie into the VHS player. Straightening up, Pickles flopped back onto the couch.</p><p>Just as the sea of naked women started to prance across the screen a loud knock resonated off the front door.</p><p>“Fack sakes,” Pickles spat.</p><p>Toki’s blue eyes darted towards the door while Nathan furrowed his brow in confusion. Skwisgaar remained undisturbed.</p><p>“Don’t yeh all jump up at once,” Pickles snipped. He abruptly stood up, stomping his way to the door dramatically. He cursed under his breath, declaring his friends and boyfriend douchebags. He unlocked the deadbolt and yanked the door open only for it to open partially due to the door chain.</p><p>“Hello, Pickles,” said a familiar voice.</p><p>The redhead froze as he peeked through the gap in the door and saw nonother than Magnus Hammersmith standing on his doorstep. His stomach dropped; this was the last person he’d expect to knock on their door. He thought it might be Charles stopping in again to check on Skwisgaar or William taking up the invitation to have a movie and take away night. “Why yeh here?” he asked snarkily.</p><p>“I want to talk to Skwis.”</p><p>“Nat happenin’ dude.”</p><p>Magnus sighed. He figured there would be some resistance if Skwisgaar didn’t answer the door. Thankfully, it was only Pickles he had to convince. Nathan would probably kill him if he got the chance. Either way he had to try. “I swear I’m not on anything right now. I brought him some stuff he left behind at the house,” he negotiated.</p><p>“Yeh can leave it with me.”</p><p>“I’d rather not, Pickles. It’s stuff to do with our relationship. Can I please see him?” Magnus pleaded. He wasn’t the type to beg. He considered that action to be beneath him. He needed to find a solution, a way to convince Pickles he intended no harm to his husband. “You can sit with him while we talk if that works. I mean him no harm I just want to talk.”</p><p>Pickles clicked the ball of his tongue piercing against his teeth while he weighted his options. Tony came to the door begging for him back. He worried that Skwisgaar might willingly leave if someone didn’t supervise the visit. Magnus was being reasonable for the first time in his life, he needed to use that to his advantage. He clinked his piercing against his bottom teeth a few more times until he found the answer. “Okey, yeh can talk on the balcony, I’m gonna stand here at the door. I’ll hear everythin’ yeh say so don’t try anythin’ stupid yeh douchebag,” the redhead demanded.</p><p>“I really appreciate it,” Magnus said. He took a step away from the door as he waited for Pickles to holler for his husband. When the redhead continued to study him, he backed up again. He needed to give Skwisgaar space, he chanted that on repeat along with a few other reminders. <em>Give him space, don’t ask him to many questions, stay calm, try to be understanding, remind him that he is loved.</em></p><p>“Give me a minute, I gotta wake him up and don’t go botherin’ him if he is outta it,” Pickles warned.</p><p>Magnus raised an eyebrow curiously.</p><p>“Pain management,” Pickles said slamming the door shut. Inside the apartment the air grew thick with concern. Toki’s grasp on Skwisgaar became rather protective. Nathan’s body language bordering predatory. Pickles’ shoulders slumped, he put on a good show but his whole being quaked. He should’ve sent Magnus away. He agreed to put Skwisgaar in contact with the man he wanted to divorce.</p><p>Nathan rounded the couch to pull Pickles into a hug. “You’re doing the right thing,” he said reassuringly. He saw the panic in his boyfriend’s eyes. He heard the edge in his voice that meant he would start screaming and swinging fists if the threat presented itself. Pickles’ demeanor behind the closed door proved his choice meant potentially hurting their friend. Nathan tightened his embrace as he added, “You’re going to be right there with him a few feet away. I’ll be beside you in here. It’s not like you are sending him out there alone.”</p><p>“Then why do I feel so dirty?”</p><p>“We can protect him. Any hint that Magnus crosses the line and we stop it okay?”</p><p>Pickles groaned loudly in frustration. “I’m puttin’ Skwisgaar through somethin’ traumatic just to please that asshole,” he grumbled.</p><p>“You’re putting him through this to give him closure,” Nathan corrected.</p><p>Pushing his way out of the embrace, Pickles walked over to the couch and gently grasped the blonde’s arm to shake him awake.</p><p>Skwisgaar mumbled tiredly.</p><p>“Skwisgaar, vær så snill å våkne opp,” Toki whispered.</p><p>“Vad är det som händer?”</p><p>Pickles gave his friend’s elbow a squeeze. “Yeh needa wake up and come with me,” he said patiently.</p><p>Skwisgaar shook his arm free to rub his eyes. He didn’t understand why Toki and Pickles were shaking him so much. They wanted him resting, he kept hearing how important it was for him to heal. Why did Pickles insist he needed to come with him? He rubbed his eyes a bit longer until he woke up enough to open his eyes.</p><p>“Someone’s here to see yeh,” Pickles explained. His expression was sympathetic when Skwisgaar’s blue eyes squinted at him. He rubbed the blonde’s clothed arm affectionately. “Let’s do this so it’s over with, dude.”</p><p>“Who ams here?”</p><p>Pickles chewed at his bottom lip before answering, “Your husband.”</p><p>Toki retracted his arm to give Skwisgaar the space to get up. He almost offered to go with his friend only to reconsider how awkward that would be. He instead went the encouraging route since Pickles seemed concerned. “I will bes here when you gets back, elskling,” he smiled.</p><p>Skwisgaar untangled his limbs and stood up. His back cracked as he twisted and stretched out his arms. The painkillers masked the ache he would have noticed without them. “He’s in goods mood?” he asked curiously.</p><p>“Yeh, I’ll be at the door listenin’ and watchin’ to make sure.”</p><p>It took longer than usual to get his bearings. Skwisgaar couldn’t shake the drowsiness, he moved sluggishly towards the front door. Pickles’ hand rested at the small of his back to guide him. Nathan stood near the door ready to support his boyfriend while they supervised.</p><p>Pickles’ free hand took hold of Skwisgaar’s hand when Nathan opened the door for them as they stepped out onto the balcony.</p><p>The sunlight burned Skwisgaar’s eyes causing him to clasp his eyes shut in disgust. “That’s brights,” he complained.</p><p>“Here take my hand sötnos,” Magnus said extending his hand.</p><p>Pickles reluctantly let go, backing away slowly from his friend as he watched the older man take his hand and lead him over to the steps to sit.</p><p>“Sorries I was sleepings before,” Skwisgaar said. He blinked a few times to let the sunlight in as his vision adjusted. The downside to his beautiful blue eyes were how sensitive they were to light.</p><p>Magnus helped him sit down then took a seat next to him. “That’s okay, Skwis. I’m sorry I woke you up. Heard Pickles has you on the good stuff,” he remarked playfully. He reminded himself to practice restraint and patience. His husband being loopy didn’t exactly help. Behind him sat the box of stuff he intended to return to Skwisgaar.</p><p>“Makes the pains go away. I am always so tireds on them though.”</p><p>“I’m really sorry for whatever I did. How bad did I hurt you?” Magnus asked. He couldn’t recall everything he did when he went into a drug induced rage. He tried a lot of new drugs to fill the void of heroin.</p><p>Skwisgaar’s body shook inside his oversized sweater. He didn’t feel like playing a game of show and share. How many more times did he need to talk about his injuries? He bit back the arrogant response he longed to give and went for a vague answer. “I’ll heals in time,” he responded.</p><p>“So, I got served the divorce papers yesterday,” Magnus said. He practiced delivering that line without malice. He understood them needing to consider a separation, time apart might give them more time to find a way to repair their marriage. He sobered up when he opened the document to see the divorce papers. He sat down on the couch to cry. He re-read the letter his husband left him that gave him a tiny shred of hope that he might be able to turn this around. He went through a phase of blaming Pickles for being the likely instigator that advised his husband to seek a divorce.</p><p>“Ja, it is somethings to consider.”</p><p>Magnus enjoyed the tiny bit of physical contact he got from holding Skwisgaar’s hand. He forgot how special simple romantic gestures could be. He appreciated all the times he got to be in the Swede’s presence. The sadness in Skwisgaar’s voice became another ultimatum. “Yah it is something to consider,” he repeated.</p><p>“Looks, I wants us to be separateds for a whiles then ifs you does rehab we can reconsiders our options for the divorce,” Skwisgaar whispered. He dropped his head to Magnus’ shoulder to allow himself the pleasure of inhaling the familiar smell of weed, tobacco and cologne. He’d miss his husband’s smell, the bounce of his curls when he played with them, and the strong arms that held him at night. He despised himself for not being stronger. He formed an excuse not to sign the divorce papers, he gave Magnus an excuse too.</p><p>“That seems fair,” Magnus answered. “I think it’s a good idea to spend time apart. It gets under my skin when you come home talking about the band and recording. It’s kind of you know…a sore spot among other things.”</p><p>Skwisgaar nuzzled his face into a mass of curls. “I’m goings to miss you. Am sorry I lefts you when you needs me. I feels horrible for leavings then filings the divorce,” he sniffled. His head swam with questions. He wished he had time to ask every single one of them starting from the first day they met. He needed some sort of closure, forgiveness for wrenching out Magnus’ heart just to make himself feel better.</p><p>“Sötnos, I’ll miss you too. Don’t feel bad that you need time to think. I am okay with that.”</p><p>“Whats you going to does when you miss me?”</p><p>Magnus chuckled, “I’m going to listen to all your recordings and appreciate what a talented musician you are.”</p><p>“I guess I justs thinks about the goods times,” Skwisgaar mumbled.</p><p>The older man smiled to himself. He thought about giving something special to Skwisgaar to help him cope with the separation. The box contained a few items that would hopefully ease the anxiety. “I brought you my knit sweater you loved wearing so much. I also have your anniversary present that I never got to give you. It’s a photo box full of every photo we took as a couple. If you miss me you have ways to think of me,” he said.</p><p>Pickles stepped out onto the balcony with his arms crossed over his chest. He decided their time was up. He couldn’t listen to them be all lovey dovey as if nothing happened three days ago. He cleared his throat obnoxiously to make it clear it was time.</p><p>“I better leave, Skwis. I’m outstaying my welcome.”</p><p>Skwisgaar yanked his hand free of Magnus’ grasp to pull him into a tight embrace. “Jag älskar dig, Magi,” he sobbed. The tears poured from his eyes; his heart hurt so much he forgot about any other pain he experienced in the last two years.</p><p>“I love you too. You’re going to be okay,” Magnus said returning the hug.</p><p>Nathan stepped out onto the balcony, closing the door behind him so Toki didn’t see what was transpiring. He came to be the muscle to intimidate the older man.</p><p>Pickles cleared his throat again.</p><p>“This is the right thing to do, Skwis. Now I have to go.”</p><p>Skwisgaar didn’t loosen his hold even when Magnus let him go and tried to push him away.</p><p>“Skwisgaar,” Pickles barked. He walked over to pull the blonde back to let Magnus slip away from his grasp. He slithered in the redhead’s opinion down the stairs towards the parking lot where he stood for a second watching them on the balcony. Pickles stared him down with pure hatred in his eyes. He couldn’t decide if the conversation benefitted Skwisgaar, it seemed to leave him devastated instead of in a somewhat mopey mood.</p><p>Nathan watched Magnus drive away before he dropped his tough guy routine. He rubbed the back of his neck while he thought of a suggestion to make Skwisgaar feel better. “Skwisgaar do you want to go cuddle in bed with Toki?” he asked in a bubbly tone as if he were dealing with a toddler.</p><p>“Ja,” Skwisgaar whimpered.</p><p>Pickles helped Skwisgaar get to his feet and led him back into the apartment. He apologized profusely for putting his friend through that meeting. He didn’t know what else to do aside from tuck the blonde into bed where he laid on his side bawling. “What can I do?” he asked. He pushed a strand of loose blonde hair behind Skwisgaar’s petite ear to show he meant him no harm.</p><p>“Cans you make me a milkshakes?”</p><p>“I can make yeh a really good one,” Pickles bragged. “Will yeh forgive me? I thought I was doin’ the right thing for yeh.”</p><p>Skwisgaar wiped away a few tears and gave a weak smile, “I amst mad. I am sads about sayings goodbye.”</p><p>“Yeh want Toki?”</p><p>The blonde nodded.</p><p>Nathan walked into his bedroom with the box containing the stuff Magnus brought him. He looked around for a place to set it. The closet was already packed with boxes and the available surfaces homed Toki’s models. “Where can I put this?” he asked awkwardly holding the box against his hip.</p><p>“Puts it under the beds, please. Toki doesn’t goes under theres.”</p><p>The lead-singer tucked the box safely under the side of the bed then excused himself. He heard something about milkshakes and Toki came bounding into the room like a bat out of hell.</p><p>“You wants to cuddles Deddy?” Toki asked scooping up his beloved teddy bear.</p><p>Skwisgaar didn’t have time to decline when the Norwegian jumped onto the bed and leaned over him. Toki brought Deddy down to the blonde’s cheek, making a kissing sound. Skwisgaar scoffed at how ridiculous the younger man was being.</p><p>“Deddy doesn’t wants Skwisgaar to cries. He wants him to smiles,” Toki giggled. He continued his assault of making Deddy give the blonde kisses all over his tear-soaked cheeks.</p><p>“You are such a dildo,” the blonde laughed.</p><p>Toki grinned, “Ams your dildo.”</p><p>“Toki, shuts up,” Skwisgaar continued to laugh. Leave it to the Norwegian to bring light to his life even at the darkest times. He appreciated it; he needed that type of relationship with someone.</p><p>“I likes when you laughs and smile. You has dimples,” Toki beamed. To emphasize his point, he poked Skwisgaar in the cheek where his dimples indented his cheeks.</p><p>The blonde rolled onto his back to look up at Toki. The younger man held up Deddy to hide his face. “You am a goofsball,” he declared. He grabbed hold of the teddy bear, yanking it from Toki’s grasp and holding it to his chest to keep the stuffed animal away from the younger man.</p><p>“I would likes to be your goofsball,” he muttered. His cheeks heated over the admission.</p><p>“You wills always be my little goofsball,” Skwisgaar whispered fondly. He brought Deddy bear up to Toki’s face to tap him on the nose with the bear’s muzzle and mimicked the kissy sounds. Skwisgaar’s tears disappeared as they played a weird game of Deddy Bear Kisses.</p><p>Neither of them noticed Pickles in the doorway slurping away at the chocolate milkshake while they shared a moment.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Oh Lord its finally done!<br/>I give to you a whole lot of fluff in one chapter, mirroring interactions and Toki just in general being loving.<br/>Happy Reading!!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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